(no subject)
Jan. 6th, 2005 01:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morslaI can't help but wonder just where all this is going. For all the changes that have happened over the last year, far too much has stayed the same. There's a trade-off between stability and stagnation - I've walked into a familiar-looking clearing, but I don't think I should try the water...
It's a state of mind, explored often enough to have a shape and a location that I recognise. It sits somewhere between the freedom of not knowing what's going on, and that claustrophobic sense that you know everything is far too close for comfort. I like to sit here, when I have the time - when I can see most of what approaches.
Thoughts about work surface first. I'm still in the job I started at the end of 2000, which should be a plus - it's work that I enjoy, and it has given me money to live on for the last four years. They have been flexible enough to let me change my hours when I've studied, and I've worked full time through four years of holidays. I can learn interesting things from the work around me, and I get to mix huge beakers of deadly chemicals...
I'm still only marginally in the computer system, though. I appear as "New Staff - Unassigned" in each year's budget projection, as it's easier for the bean-counters to get rid of me if they need to cut costs. I have no mailbox, no name on the door of my shared office, and Human Resources define my monday-to-friday work as "part-time" - to avoid needing to give me a permanent contract after five years of work. My change to full time work (in mid-November) still hasn't been approved by the Pay Office, and I'm being paid $300 per fortnight until they fix up my details.
For all the benefits of working here, I don't fit in very well. Most people aren't quite sure whether to treat me as a work-experience student, or as someone who has worked here longer than half our team... I'm still not being paid at a Graduate rate (let alone for my Honours year) as HR won't process anything until the graduation ceremony - and who knows when that will end up happening.
What do I really want to do? I want to answer things, and explain things. I want to help people find out why, and how. I want to make sure that spark of curiosity doesn't get killed off by the overwhelming blandness that grinds across the world every day. So, I pay my bills with science and painting comissions, and I keep on learning the things I'll need in that next step - whenever it happens, wherever it leads to. I have time to wander a little, but on days like this I just wish I could see a little further ahead.
It's a state of mind, explored often enough to have a shape and a location that I recognise. It sits somewhere between the freedom of not knowing what's going on, and that claustrophobic sense that you know everything is far too close for comfort. I like to sit here, when I have the time - when I can see most of what approaches.
Thoughts about work surface first. I'm still in the job I started at the end of 2000, which should be a plus - it's work that I enjoy, and it has given me money to live on for the last four years. They have been flexible enough to let me change my hours when I've studied, and I've worked full time through four years of holidays. I can learn interesting things from the work around me, and I get to mix huge beakers of deadly chemicals...
I'm still only marginally in the computer system, though. I appear as "New Staff - Unassigned" in each year's budget projection, as it's easier for the bean-counters to get rid of me if they need to cut costs. I have no mailbox, no name on the door of my shared office, and Human Resources define my monday-to-friday work as "part-time" - to avoid needing to give me a permanent contract after five years of work. My change to full time work (in mid-November) still hasn't been approved by the Pay Office, and I'm being paid $300 per fortnight until they fix up my details.
For all the benefits of working here, I don't fit in very well. Most people aren't quite sure whether to treat me as a work-experience student, or as someone who has worked here longer than half our team... I'm still not being paid at a Graduate rate (let alone for my Honours year) as HR won't process anything until the graduation ceremony - and who knows when that will end up happening.
What do I really want to do? I want to answer things, and explain things. I want to help people find out why, and how. I want to make sure that spark of curiosity doesn't get killed off by the overwhelming blandness that grinds across the world every day. So, I pay my bills with science and painting comissions, and I keep on learning the things I'll need in that next step - whenever it happens, wherever it leads to. I have time to wander a little, but on days like this I just wish I could see a little further ahead.
