Realisations
Jul. 28th, 2008 04:10 pmIt seems easier these days to abruptly bottom out. I haven't had nearly the same amount of trouble as I did a few years ago, but it still comes as a shock to realise that you're down the bottom of a mood crash, staring back up at the rest of the world. I think I slipped by tiny degrees, so didn't notice things adding up over the past few weeks. Now that I've spent some more time back down there, I can look back and recognise some of the signs. Still wish I'd been a bit more observant, though.
I am exceptionally critical of myself. I can't even pretend like that's a good thing. It's not that I'm unaware of good things alongside the flaws. It's just that I can't seem to appreciate any positives - I only focus on what I could have done better. I think
aeliel is despairing, as I am impervious to compliments. I know I probably haven't wasted the last few years of my life, but it's hard to look past the collection of mistakes and missed opportunities that litter my memory.
All sorts of thoughts end up with "back when I did X, I really should have started doing Y" and quickly stop me from going anywhere. There are plenty of things I'd like to do with my life, but I'm missing the small steps that help to make them happen. Most of those bridging steps seem tied to things that have already passed - things I should have done during undergrad, or while at Deakin. Both times I landed a job early, though it ended up going nowhere. Already employed, I never made a serious attempt to follow up the things you should do to break into a new career - the things that look like ambition from a student, or desperation from someone a few years on. If I were an employer, I'd be asking "why are you doing this now" if I read my own applications.
It used to drive me on - never being satisfied while I could see things that I could do better. Now it just seems to hold me in place. Looking ahead, fixed on some distant goal, I can't see how to reach it. Looking down at my feet, I get so caught up looking at all the cracks that I have no idea which way to start moving.
I'm sure I've been here before. It feels familiar. I just don't remember how I left it last time, or if I really left at all.
I am exceptionally critical of myself. I can't even pretend like that's a good thing. It's not that I'm unaware of good things alongside the flaws. It's just that I can't seem to appreciate any positives - I only focus on what I could have done better. I think
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All sorts of thoughts end up with "back when I did X, I really should have started doing Y" and quickly stop me from going anywhere. There are plenty of things I'd like to do with my life, but I'm missing the small steps that help to make them happen. Most of those bridging steps seem tied to things that have already passed - things I should have done during undergrad, or while at Deakin. Both times I landed a job early, though it ended up going nowhere. Already employed, I never made a serious attempt to follow up the things you should do to break into a new career - the things that look like ambition from a student, or desperation from someone a few years on. If I were an employer, I'd be asking "why are you doing this now" if I read my own applications.
It used to drive me on - never being satisfied while I could see things that I could do better. Now it just seems to hold me in place. Looking ahead, fixed on some distant goal, I can't see how to reach it. Looking down at my feet, I get so caught up looking at all the cracks that I have no idea which way to start moving.
I'm sure I've been here before. It feels familiar. I just don't remember how I left it last time, or if I really left at all.