Realisations

[morsla]

It seems easier these days to abruptly bottom out. I haven't had nearly the same amount of trouble as I did a few years ago, but it still comes as a shock to realise that you're down the bottom of a mood crash, staring back up at the rest of the world. I think I slipped by tiny degrees, so didn't notice things adding up over the past few weeks. Now that I've spent some more time back down there, I can look back and recognise some of the signs. Still wish I'd been a bit more observant, though.

I am exceptionally critical of myself. I can't even pretend like that's a good thing. It's not that I'm unaware of good things alongside the flaws. It's just that I can't seem to appreciate any positives - I only focus on what I could have done better. I think aeliel is despairing, as I am impervious to compliments. I know I probably haven't wasted the last few years of my life, but it's hard to look past the collection of mistakes and missed opportunities that litter my memory.

All sorts of thoughts end up with "back when I did X, I really should have started doing Y" and quickly stop me from going anywhere. There are plenty of things I'd like to do with my life, but I'm missing the small steps that help to make them happen. Most of those bridging steps seem tied to things that have already passed - things I should have done during undergrad, or while at Deakin. Both times I landed a job early, though it ended up going nowhere. Already employed, I never made a serious attempt to follow up the things you should do to break into a new career - the things that look like ambition from a student, or desperation from someone a few years on. If I were an employer, I'd be asking "why are you doing this now" if I read my own applications.

It used to drive me on - never being satisfied while I could see things that I could do better. Now it just seems to hold me in place. Looking ahead, fixed on some distant goal, I can't see how to reach it. Looking down at my feet, I get so caught up looking at all the cracks that I have no idea which way to start moving.

I'm sure I've been here before. It feels familiar. I just don't remember how I left it last time, or if I really left at all.

Comments

[hespa.livejournal.com]

**big hugs**

I know it doesn't really help, but I owe you a thank you. This post had given me the conscience prodding I need to finally wade in and look at university courses for next year (and just in the nick of time for open days).

[morsla.livejournal.com]

Well, at least I can serve as a warning to others ;)

Any idea what sort of courses you'll be looking for?

[hespa.livejournal.com]

Well, at the open days I'll be investigating variations on Environmental Science, Ecology, Conservation...

Although having spoken to a few industry people now, I'm currently leaning towards staying on at TAFE and upgrading my certificate to a diploma before I look at uni. Bizarrely, the diploma may make me more employable.

[aeduna.livejournal.com]

Is the ongoing dark weather not helping as well? I know a lot of people get a bit meh as winter grinds on, even when its not omething as drastic as SAD...

[umbra-mentis.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
You'll find your way again - and while dwelling on the past isn't a bad thing, dwelling on it too much can drag you down into a mire of *notgood*.

And although an employer might very well ask why you're only doing something now it doesn't necessarily write you off - it just means you need to be prepared to give a reasonable answer.

[miss-rynn.livejournal.com]

Depression sucks. There's no two ways about it.

But... if you can't change the past, it's not all that constructive to agonise over it. You might find it better to look at your current situation and work out what about it you can change for the better, without dwelling on what may or may not be better if you had done X or Y in the past. What matters now is the NOW, and what you can do to improve that yet to come.

But, yeah... depression sucks.

Another angle

[geserit.livejournal.com]

I'm living a similar story at the moment, but from the other side of the fence. On paper I have not missed a beat with my 'career'. Architecture undergrad whilst doing work experience at my parents company, student year with firm in London which I enjoyed, return to Aus to get Masters, back to London to continue with company. Only - now I'm here I'm thinking WHAT THE FUCK am I doing. I feel drained, used, beaten up and spat out. Comments from employers are kind but patronising such as 'you shouldn't put yourself under so much pressure' and then the classic, 'you will probably really need to have a clear idea of what you want from you career by the time you are 30'. Well excuse me!!!! Right now, I'm having a bad case of the SADS because I know there is more than one way to skin the cat of work satisfaction, and right now this way is really not cutting it for me. I am starting to feel regrets that I did not be more 'random' before I launched into this seeming straight jacket of 'career'.

Everyone only gets one shot at each part of their life - hopefully we all get to do the right thing eventually, though maybe in a different order. Maybe I'll have my early twenties when I'm in my late twenties....or early thirties. Hopefully it is before my nervous breakdown.

Take a breath Morsla - we all have a differnet course and it seems all of them are painful and laced with suffering. Maybe buddha was right.

"If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him"

[morsla.livejournal.com]

I wonder what would happen if we find a way to combine my omnidirectional rambling with your ultrafocused momentum. Would we do everything at once, or would we stall in face of the enormity of it all?

Sometimes it seems like everyone's an expert on becoming an expert, but there's precious little attention paid to the emotional wellbeing of people walking that path. Take care of yourself! Admittedly I seem to be in a poor place to give suggestions, but I'm convinced that there are always other ways forward. Suffering has a place, in helping to forge you into someone who can enjoy where you end up. If everything seems like it just involves more suffering, maybe there's a different way of doing things.

Also, I recommend distributing your early twenties over a good many years... Taken at high speed it could feel too much like system overload to really enjoy. Much better to have a cache of early-twenties to tap into whenever it's needed :)

(I misused mine like some people use coffee - to do stupid things faster, and with more energy...)