(no subject)

[morsla]

I'm starting to stretch so thin I can see through myself. The novelty of the situation lasts only until I realise that I am not as flexible as I once was... and that beyond the limits of any stretch, things will snap. I'm becoming increasingly territorial over my sanity and the little time I still have left to myself. The truth is, I'm not sure how much more slack I can cut any more. I know that I can do everything I've currently taken on. I will only take new jobs that I know I can finish. Pushing me is unlikely to make me stretch any further, however.

give me your faith, something i can believe in
and you'll be my family, my brother, my friend
tell me a truth that i find not deceiving
teach me a lesson that i understand

Work is running me down, although I should know better than to let it. I'm now doing the work of two people in the labs. It's a welcome change, but the shift from mind-numbing boredom to run-off-my-feet can be hard to adjust to. I'm learning plenty of new things, but those tend to be tasks that no-one else can be bothered making time for... despite a four-point advance after my last contract, I still sit far below anyone else on the pay scale. It's simply cheaper to have me do the menial work - I'm not exactly paid to think. I am glad to see new jobs appear, though. Any more time spent with only my work from the last few years and I'd go completely mad...

build me a shelter, a place i can dwell in
show me a future that i can enjoy
give me a reason and i'll be your fellow
show me the target i have to destroy

I'm tired of being paralysed, in other parts of my life. In rare moments when I'm not blinded by exhaustion, I can take a step back and see my indecisions for what they are. For all the awkward miscommunication that's a part of life at work, I really need to sit some people down and talk to them about next year - whether they want me to work, whether I want to stay. If I can get a spot in a course, I'd like to study a couple of days a week and cut work back to three days. The extra workload I've acquired makes this look unlikely though - they'll need someone else to work those days, and if they get in someone new the newcomer might as well take over the whole week.

I need to start asking some hard questions of those around me, and of myself. Much of my life is on hold right now - poised on the brink of a month that I already have a full diary for. After September, after conventions, concerts, seminars, birthdays for aeliel and I... after UniCon thunders off into the distance, I can start living again. Many things won't wait that long, however - my contract at work expires at the end of that month, and I need to find out some information about that soon. In those fragments between the other times, I hollow out a little time for myself. I must remember to use those minutes wisely.

show me my leader and i'll pledge obedience
whisper the name of the enemy mine
blessed be my fate and my tools of expedience
i'm going to fulfil what's my mission divine

exterminate! annihilate! destroy!