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[personal profile] morsla

Superficially similar to all preceding days, but motivation and energy levels are dangerously low. Also, how fucking depressing is it to find out you've been working at the same task for exactly 2,000 days? Thankfully, I have web tools to tell me how long I've been at this. If I had been scratching marks in the wall, I would have gone through several houses by now.

The thesis and its author are nearly done. Imagine that photo of the anaconda and alligator that both died while trying to eat each other in a Florida bayou, only less violent. That's about what it feels like at the moment: someone might fly over the scene and point a telephoto lens at what remains, capturing the moment for posterity. "Looks like they both just wore each other down," they'll say. "I think the only winner here was exhaustion."

There have been small victories. Yesterday I passed the 90,000 wordcount, finally dispelling fears that it wasn't really enough material for a proper thesis. I'm working beyond full time hours away from the thesis - well beyond, if you include unpaid work. In most areas I'm managing to get things done well enough. There's a theme amongst those things though, and that seems to be a silent "for someone else" appended to any "I finished this task" statement.

Right now, I'm bloody tired. I found out last night that my major project at work is being cancelled: not entirely unexpected, but it means the majority of my income will dry up in 30 days. Three other projects all require significant amounts of work in the next week, between now and the thesis deadline. The Semester 2 census date is next weekend, and so I need to finish writing 1.5 chapters before next Friday or vaguely defined yet ominous consequences will happen in addition to kicking me out of the university.

I'm not worried about the money - that can happen later, when I have time to look at it in more detail. I'm actually relieved about the work leaving my desk, as I sorely need some time to myself. There's still a bit of that stomach-punch feeling about it though, and it's taken the wind out of me. I need to get back up and keep running for another eight days, as this next week is one hell of an obstacle course. All I really want to do, though, is to lie down and sleep for a very, very long time.

Date: 2014-08-21 09:15 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] umbra-mentis.livejournal.com
*hugs* I know they don't help the thesis get written or the stress drop but I figure you can use some. Let me know if you need a food package or a real hug or two.

September 2014

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