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[morsla]

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
I like watchin' the puddles gather rain
And all I can do is just pour some tea for two
and speak my point of view
But it's not sane, It's not sane

With only a couple of exceptions, all my closest friends are people I have met since moving out of home. From the 18 months in Elsternwick with Suz and Rachel, to the years spent in Canning street, to the house in North Melbourne, I've shared a lot of good memories with people I may never have met, were circumstances different. Most of the people that I really "know" wandered into my life over the past six years or so.

Unfortunately, the blackest few years of my life have also happened in that time, and I'm just not sure how much good it will do to keep ignoring them. I've dropped out of contact with current friends for months on end, and I'm generally pretty terrible at managing to keep in touch with old ones. Often, it's just a lack of time and energy to go seeking people out. Sometimes, though, I disappear for different reasons.

See, I've had problems with the capital-D version of depression for about four years now. It lurks back there, coiled up around my spine and in the base of my chest. I've never been sure whether I'm getting better at concealing it, or if I just avoid people when things aren't going so well. Either way, I don't expect other people to notice - it's something that I fight on my own. When it's at its worst, it can drag me down for months at a time. The most dangerous time is never at the bottom of the pit, though - crushed under it, there's no energy to do anything at all. On the way back up, you still remember what it was like down there. That turning point, before you remember why you're still going, but after you have the energy to do things you ought to regret... that's the time to tread carefully.

Most of 2001 is a year that I'd happily unravel, unpicking it from my life. The actions of a few perceptive friends probably kept me here, stepping in to offer help that I hadn't thought to ask for. By the time they saw what was happening, I doubt I had any idea how to pick myself back up again. Life got worse before it got better, but eventually I learned how to hide things more effectively. To this day, I'm still not sure which side counts that as a victory...

Recently I've found myself looking around, and wondering why things don't feel as great as they ought to. What right have I to not be happy with my lot? After all, plenty of people have things far worse. The problem is that depression doesn't pack up and leave, only to return later. It's a troublesome flatmate that you have no choice about living with, and like it or not you have to make some compromises.

"Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer," they say. It's a dirty fight, and neither side pulls their punches. This enemy lives in my head, and I know more about it than anyone else. I may never beat it, but I can beat it back down into a corner - after all, I've had plenty of practice. I know that corner entirely too well.

Comments

[mstakenidentity.livejournal.com]

You seem to be doing a good job of beating it down, you're still here.

I hate that corner, but it is necessary.

*hugs from the similarly afflicted*

[jaquiej.livejournal.com]

Hmmm...

I am not sure that the corner is necessary.

I would prefer to attach my depression to a heavily spiked wall using a nail gun. I think it would be more satisfying.

When I figure out how to do this, I promise I will share.

Until then, I will stick with the hefty oak staff that is my friends. It's amazing what a couple of well placed words can do.

Yes, I'm think of some of the ones you've used on me morsla. Remind me to pay you back some time.

[bishi-wannabe.livejournal.com]

Speaking as an imperceptive friend, I'm always here with the distracting fun games :)

[kashiichan.livejournal.com]

You've got a really accurate description of depression right there. I've never really been able to explain it very well.

[morsla.livejournal.com]

I've had a long time to think about it, I guess..

[peacockangel.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I didn't know, but then again, we've never actually met... I know what you mean though, I Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (ooh, its a psychiatic party!) So, I know the corner quite well. Good luck and may your sword-arm never tire.

[kikilon.livejournal.com]

Fighting drepression is like being Thomas Edison. You find 1,000 ways that DON'T work.
But hey, if people can invent lightbulbs, you will find a way.

Depression is annoyingly irrational, but that doesn't mean taht the times between can't be filled with joy and enjoyment of life.

I know there's no patent solution, but when I fall down into the dump, I cut off other people, too, and wait for it to be over, like a contageous disease. Most people don't get it, but that doesn't matter. Give them a ring once you're better.

If you need distractions, or someone to stare holes into the wall with, let me know. I'm always happy to do random stuff. ^_^
I'll bring icecream, too, one of the few accepted cures to any disease. If it doesn't help, you need more flavours!

[virtual-munkee.livejournal.com]

well, when i come stay wit u in melbourne i will try my damndest to be the drunken, socially-inept 'ask qtoopid questions' geo that u know i am!! maybe i should collapse on the bed moaning bout how much i drank a few times, for measure..

"i'll never drink againnnn" ;)

i know u miss it :)

[sols-light.livejournal.com]

I could offer the soothing balm that others have or the suggestion that I know what you're going through. It's not the truth.

I am battling my own depression and have absolutely no true comprehension of yours. I know that the year or so I spent essentially being one of your housemates and therefore in a perfect position to observe you didn't show me many hints of depression.

From my observations, your music did show some form of wanting to get away from life and your habit of speaking either for hours or not at all made me feel like there were two of you to know. I expect like many geniuses, you have the probelm of experiencing things to extremes. That unfortunately means the pain is as extreme as the joy. Being stuck in the pain for a while crushes the captive into their depression.

Perhaps that's the keenest insight. There's a part of you that knows the world is a reasonably good place and that you should be happy living in it. There's a darker part and I'd say it's where your perfectionism stems from that is never happy with what you are doing. It's not usually a problem, but it leads you to create barriers against others you're probably intensely aware of.

I have to say I've wanted to get to know you better and felt like I couldn't. Maybe you can't talk to me about it, but If not me, I'd like to think you can find someone you can talk with.

Depression never goes away from the life of anyone it's touched. Any extended period filled with too much of any negative emotion: anxiety, anger, frustration, loneliness. It is part of the human condition and the only reason for it is as a counterpoint to the true beauty in life.

I expect some of my assumptions of you are wrong and I apologise for those. By extension, some of the subjective rationalising in this post is wrong, or misapplied from what I'm experiencing. Every thought we have not encountered before is a chance to learn.

I do have to say that I admire you as a person and your individual achievements across many different fields of endeavour astound almost everyone who knows you. It may be in your nature to be hard on yourself, but it's not a sin to ask for an opinion, or to respectfully accept the praise you've won from others.

In the end, you may not want to be and you may be pushing against it, but you're completely human. Part of that condition is knowing you will often be sad and how to change that sadness in yourself to something better. It's not the same in all of us and my attempts to give others support with their problems is one of my primary outlets.

There's no simple way to end this as I'm currently hyper-verbose, so I'll just say that any time you want to talk, I'll listen. I'll always be proud to call a person like you a friend and I'll do whatever it takes to back that up.

[fasangel.livejournal.com]

While times have been bad, unpicking them from your life would not be good. They are part of how you got to where you are, part of what made you who you are now. You can't be whole without the crap, unfortunately. And as for how bad it is for other people, that is never relevent, only serving to make you feel guilty about how you feel, and make you feel worse. Hiding can make you feel that way too.

Bottling things up is never good for you, and I'd suggest that one thing you might be feeling down about is how it is harder to connect properly with people when you are hiding such a big part of you away. Not in any way helpful, I know. But you must know that all your friends will be there if you need them, if you want them around. I know that it doesn't help, but that is the best I can do. I go hide again now.

[vass]

No, don't ignore it - you'll only trip over it if you do that.

You're an excellent fighter, but there has to be a better way.

Let me know if you find one. *wince*

Rhetorical blether: Depression isn't an honourable opponent. It's a parasite. It doesn't warrant hand-to-hand combat, it warrants extermination. It's like smallpox: surviving it is an achievement, and actually eradicating it for good would be up there in the life achievement's honour roll, a personal analogue to the greatest achievement of the twentieth century.

Barring that, drug it with, well, drugs, or threaten it with human allies and wear down its spirit with loud music. Constant vigilance. Reinforcements. Maintain your own supply lines and cut off its supplies.

[vass]

I cannot believe I put an apostrophe *there*.

I am obviously *not* on the right treatment plan. *eyeroll*

[submystical.livejournal.com]

Well I was just reading an article on MSN yesterday about the "science of love" and couldn't help but think of a few things that you said in this post. In particular "Recently I've found myself looking around, and wondering why things don't feel as great as they ought to" and also perhaps some things you said in earlier posts. Now you may wonder what on earth love has to do with love but according to the article the state that your brain goes into when yopu are falling in love is actually exactly the state which can lead to depression. In particular being in love lowers serotonin levels which they say make people "one-minded and obsessive, and they are also associated with depression." They do further go on to say that being in a long-term monogamous relationship however will cause the levels to balance and you brain goes into a much healthier relaxed state.

I don't know how true all of what was written is but it just got me thinking. I mean if you're starting to feel depressed now then perhaps it's because you've been in the state of love for too long and hence have had low serotonin levels. Just a thought. Here's the link to the article if you want to read it here.

Anyway what ever the reason for for I hope you do find some way to get on top of it and keep going.

[submystical.livejournal.com]

that should be "love has to do with depression"

bah.. typos all over the place... but I'm sure you get the idea