disconnect and self destruct one bullet at a time...

[morsla]

Help me if you can
It's just that this is not the way I'm wired

I'm writing about things I love, for a publication. I'm painting, and it will pay some of my bills. In a week, two important milestones will have passed. It should have been a good week, as it has been filled with good things. I can't help but feel as though I'm building without any real foundations, though.

The things that underpin my life at the moment sit on shifting sands, and I'd love to find even a tiny patch of stability to stand on. I still don't know if I'll have a job in two months. If I do have work, I don't know how much of it there will be, what level I'm working at, how long it will last. How long I'll want it to last for. Last year, I thought that all I wanted was to be working a single job, to fill the days and pay the bills around all the other things I want to do with my life. I'm doing that now, but now I'm not so sure...

I'm stuck in the middle - frozen while running furiously in all directions at once. I can build on what I have. I can adapt to changes, too. I'm just not sure which I should be doing now... I might already be in free-fall, but I can't tell straight away. A single straight answer would help - "get lost" or "you're staying" from work would let me feel much more comfortable about all this - straight answers have not been forthcoming over the past four years, however. Anything to break the status quo would help - a catalyst, a starter's pistol. When I find out the start, I'll know the end - and then I can start trying to get there. Without that spark, I'm watching cracks appear from strain.

Pale angel go away
Come again some other day
The devil has my ear today
I'll never hear a word you say

He promised I would find a little solace
And some piece of mind
Whatever, just as long as I don't feel so

Weak and powerless
Over you

I refuse to let things all unravel, though - I'm too stubborn to let the world win. I don't want one job, one path, one place, one person amongst all of this. I want to grab the chaos with both hands and drag it into shape and form. Somehow, I'll work out how to cram it all into a single lifetime - I just want to attempt everything that I can, to see what I can do with it.

I'm starting to realise something the physicists could have told me years ago. I have enough strength to move things, and I have directions to move in, but I want to go everywhere at once. If I don't try to move slightly faster towards some of those things, however, I'll stay right where I am until I tear apart at the seams. There's a mid-ground to aim for, somewhere between monotony and madness... somehow, I just have to find it.

Comments

[psuedonym777.livejournal.com]

You will find your balance Ben. I have faith..... I'd love to offer some sage like advice, but on this particular topic, I am yet to find a satisfactory answer..... I guess that each person must find your own path. In my case, when I was facing this question, I basically just had to ask myself, "what will make me happy". Once that question was answered, the course of action was obvious.

So what will make you happy in your work, mate? Will staying with your job and building something make you happy?

One thing I can relate though, the lucky among us have 80 short years on this world, and a quarter of those have already been used. So don't leave it too late to do all those things you always wanted to. God knows, when I look back on my life from my death bed, I intend to think, "Wow, I tried everything, and GOD DAMN it was a lot of fun!"

But then you already know all this, you are just trying to convince that one little part of you that still has a doubt to come join the rest of you. Anywho, I leached enough off of your rant. Have a Spectacular weekend. I'm sure we'll chat another day.

[morsla.livejournal.com]

'tis not leaching.. 'tis the reason why these posts are public :)

Thanks for your thoughts. I've used up 25 of my years, but I plan on living to see out a century - it still means that a quarter of the time has already slipped past. Life's too short to watch it slip by when you should make some decisions.

I made a list of good and bad things about each possible plan for next year, work-wise. The status quo is not looking too great at the moment, so maybe a change is in order.